Since the ‘Day it Happened’ my life felt like a whirl with me the zombie living it. I could not feel anything- hurt, grief, anger, betrayal, nothing. I was numb to the point of being dead. I think the jolt arrived when I realized that the person who had caused this was partying away in the best clubs and restaurants, thrilled at my departure. Not that I was surprised but somehow the effect it had on me was in retrospective, good.
I remember crumbling into a heap and crying for several hours and then being swamped by fear of the future. I was always the best in every educational institute I went but my heart lay in nurturing a loving household while giving shape to my dream of opening a handicrafts business and a restaurant. I simply was not cut out for the corporate rat race which turned into me giving up the most lucrative job placements after I completed my MBA. So here I was with a solid educational background, a broken heart, a confused mind and no job.
The fear of my future translated into me wanting to run out and get the next job but I sat back at home with the fear of being rejected and ridiculed at my choice of throwing away a fantastic career and getting married only to walk out of my marriage after nine months. This I realized was the biggest drawback in being married to a pathological liar. You simply cannot trust anyone considering the person whom you trusted with your life just threw it away and trampled on it like a piece of rubbish lying in his house.
While my parents tried to convince me into taking up something to keep myself busy I tried to find every excuse to avoid interaction with other people so that I did not have to confront my fears of not being able to trust them. But being a person who cannot sit idle for long, I signed up for a work from home job which required me to work for a minimum of 2-3 hours for peanuts. While the pay was not attractive the job description was. I could write, another thing I enjoyed doing. But nine months of chess game to survive coupled with emotional shock left my concentration levels equal to that of a goldfish. Result was, it took me 6 hours to do what otherwise should have taken simply 1-2 hours.
Nevertheless it was progress and decided taking one day at a time. Every day I woke I found myself hating my life and wanting to get away from my own life. So I created something to look forward to: a nice movie on TV, a dish to cook, a craft to take up or simply to read a book. Slowly but steadily I got up, moved on in life albeit still without emotions and feeling.
I had always been a very loving person, full of life, laughter and joy. People who saw me after my estrangement were shell shocked at the sunken eyes, lifeless robot I had become. But with the hope that things would get better for me I persisted. The one thing I always wanted to do more than anything else was to travel. I forced myself to watch travel shows and be enthralled in what the world had to offer. In time I started to feel the penchant to achieve things once again, a feeling which had driven me in the past. I started to learn to live for myself, enjoy life for myself and more importantly love and cherish myself for the first time in more than two years.
Now almost a year since the whole ugly episode took place there are times when I can look back at the sham called my marriage without any acrimony or bitterness and I hope that in some more time to come I shall be able to look back at everything that transpired without anger or resentment. For that will be true moving on…