A Roller Coaster Ride of Emotions

Life after separation/divorce can be miserable or liberating and sometimes a mix of both. Even though the feeling of liberation was palpable in me after my estrangement I did feel miserable most of the time. I still feel miserable sometimes especially when I have to get into an empty, cold bed at night and wake up to another day filled with constant efforts of moving on and staying happy or content.

Divorce can hit you in many ways, the financial aspect of it is quite apparent but emotionally the sunken eyes, hollow voice and lack of appetite are just tip of the iceberg. For many days after my estrangement I could not sit in one place for even 5 minutes neither could I concentrate on anything, so my lifelong habits of reading whenever I found free time, cooking for I loved feeding my loved ones and indulging in my favorite crafts simply flew out of the window. I had this constant need of being on the move. I did not want to go out for I hated the stares I got for my miserable appearance, so I paced my room and mind you I would pace the whole day, on some days continuously for 6-7 hours.

To take my mind off from the shambles that my life was in, I started reading and watching TV while I paced, learning at every step to calm my mind and nerves. It took me almost 2-3 months of pacing to calm down and bring a certain amount of normalcy to my life. Still, there are days when I pace especially when I have to relive instances of abuse in court or to my lawyer but at least now I do not experience the intense pain and burden in my chest.

That for me is progress but progress after divorce is long drawn and every minute you have to move forward in some way to get over the feelings of bitterness, betrayal and loneliness to truly move forward in life.

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2 comments on “A Roller Coaster Ride of Emotions

  1. Yes, it is a constancy and, even though it ebbs and flows, it does not ever seem to ever go away. At times i have even felt that i have come to a place of peace and contentment, only to be thrown downwards again by some reminder or some dealings of the divorce process. However, I still aim for making a success out of my life plan ‘B’ and feel that is up to me to achieve that.
    Best wishes to you on your own journey. From your writing you are very strong and i know that you will get there too. 🙂

    • The roller coaster of being at peace and then being suddenly thrown downwards, unfortunately is day-to-day life during the divorce proceedings. I have to constantly remind myself that I am out of that hell and I can live on my own terms again in peace and with dignity.
      Thank you for your kind words and best wishes to you too for your plan ‘B’, for it to be a thumping success.

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