The Bleak and Wintry View from My Window

I woke up to this year with a broken marriage and a broken heart knowing the horrors in the form of court proceedings this year held in its folds but never once did I stop to break down. I had done that for two months last year and I had promised myself I would not waste any time this year. So I worked towards building a future for myself. I took up a job and let a friend in despite all my fears of getting hurt and being abandoned all over again. But the last few days changed so much that I am standing yet again with empty hands looking at the bleak, bleary and wintry view from my window.

I lost the job that was meant to give me financial stability and within days my best friend, the only person I could talk to, smile with and laugh with, in moments of despair and frustration.  But as I look out of my window the lines of a poem by Rudyard Kipling take form in mind,

“ If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ “

And here I am ready to ring in another New Year bruised and battered emotionally but still holding on to start once again the process of rebuilding my life.

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2 comments on “The Bleak and Wintry View from My Window

  1. I found that I reached a point after my husband left that I was coping with the fact that he had left me but I could not cope with anything else. If anything else happened in my life I went to pieces. Even over small things that did not matter. I was not previously like that. I was always the strong one, the one who could cope with adversity. Then I started to be kind to myself and stopped beating myself up when I was struggling. Strangely, the very action of giving in and admitting my ‘weakness’ actually helped me heal and grow stronger.

    Life is all about change. While the ‘experts’ say that the sooner one accepts that life is about change then the sooner one stops stressing when change happens. While this is commendable, I do not entirely agree. You still have to process each change, mourn each loss, and come to a state of acceptance or adjustment. The two changes you mentioned – loss of a job and loss of a friend – are both two major upsets in one’s life. Just because you have already been through a trauma two years ago, does not mean that you will not also feel for these losses.

    Give yourself some hugs and allow yourself time to feel these losses.

    Then in time you will become strong again.

  2. ‘Life is all about change’ is the thing I have been reminding myself constantly in last few days while coping with the sudden changes yet again in my life. But as I mourn each loss I must not only accept them but also accept myself and start being kind to myself. This is something I am learning to do all over again and honestly I am finding it harder than getting over the loss. But as you rightly said in time I will definitely find it in myself to be strong again.

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