Accepting the Pain

Pain is bestowed in generous amounts by break-up, separation and divorce. Sometimes the pain is blinding, heart crushing, breath-taking in a twisted way and finally numbing. During the early days of my separation I could not feel anything, not even the remotest hint of pain or tears. I was numb, but as time progressed the pain made its presence felt and I found myself gritting my teeth, gasping for breath, shuffling my feet and simply dragging myself through the day. I tried taking one day at a time and if I could not even do that, I took one hour at a time till I managed to cross the 18 waking hours of my day. This I think is what they call the pain of a broken heart.

Despite what you might call it, the pain is overwhelming and hence the importance of accepting the pain, working through it. Working through the pain involves letting go a major part of it. This in no way means that you must forgive if you are not yet ready to do so but that you are allowing yourself to become stronger and heal. Letting go of the pain also does not mean that you must forget the experiences but accept them as a part of your life and remembering the lessons they taught you.

I strongly believe that accepting the pain and working through it also means that not only must you let go of bitterness towards your ex but also let go of resentment towards yourself. There are many of us who have been betrayed by our spouses and we have tortured ourselves into thinking ‘what if’ or admonished ourselves that we did not see the signs of betrayal earlier. Letting go hence must be holistic and accepting that betrayal is not a failure of our perceptions.

For a long time I practically kicked myself that I did not have the courage to confront my ex earlier or walk out earlier as I would have saved myself a lot of pain and trauma. But over time I realized that no matter what I would have done I would ending up getting hurt, my ex is after all a serial cheater. The only difference would have been that the hurt would have been slightly less, the pain would have remained nonetheless. This helped me forgive myself to an extent but forgiveness has never been easy neither will it ever be. It is and will remain an ongoing process.

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3 comments on “Accepting the Pain

  1. You describe this part of the grieving process so well. You are correct, you have to feel the pain. In the beginning I had so much pain I had to detach myself in order to survive. I then learned how to put the pain away and live and enjoy each glorious day. However, in a lot of ways, that was simply me using self-protection mechanism a blocking it all out. eventually it would not block out and descended down on me like a ton of bricks. Then I did go through the process of feeling the pain. Slowly step by step I felt through each part of the pain, each part of what I had lost, each part of what had happened to me, then let each part go. Gradually, ever so gradually, I have been healing.
    Thanks for the post. It is very moving.
    You are a strong woman. You will make it, I know that you will. I wish you well.

  2. Thank you for the lovely and kind words. Words cannot describe how touched I am.

    The strength that you speak of, comes from accepting the pain, working through the despair and fighting the depression. There was a time I lived in denial of my marriage being non-existent because I never thought in my wildest dreams that I could bear the break down of my marriage. But when forced to, I found that I could, despite the enormous amount of effort it took. We have a basic instinct of survival which kicks in when required, however what matters is how we allow it to kick and the best way I found was to accept the pain.

    I hope that you too find your strength in acceptance and the healing that follows.

  3. reocochran says:

    I like to go backwards sometimes in blogs to see where things were awhile back, how far you have progressed is such a great example to those who seek help, have been going through or maybe have still not left what pain is their “walk” daily. Thank God you have made a great and brave choice and now, look at where you are!

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