Start at the Beginning

The last couple of weeks have been absolute mayhem, torture and have turned my life topsy-turvy in every manner possible. But as they say that system is born from chaos:

A few nights ago I had a really odd dream. I was living with my ex on good terms with him and also his family. The dream followed all the routines my life did when for the first few days things seemed good. In my dream my ex was preparing for his GMAT and I had the brilliant idea to prepare along with him but was confused as how to go about with the preparation process. So after this (hold your breath) the golden words of advice came from none other than my ex “start at the beginning”.

I had this dream the day my divorce case in the courts went crazy and the Family Court Judge wanted me to go back to my ex despite knowing the abuse and violence I was subjected to. The Indian courts and the society has a very funny way of victimizing the victims and not ostracizing the perpetrators of crimes against women. So basically for the Judge I was an uncultured, uncouth and ill-mannered woman (mind you, not lady) to be asking for a divorce from my husband who provided a roof on my head, clothed me and fed me despite the regular instances of domestic violence. These according to the Judge are obligations from my ex to me and not basic human rights which must be provided to everyone.

I listened to this lecture for 45 minutes seething in anger all the while and finally came to the decision that I will not tolerate this humiliation and nonsense anymore. I walked out of an abusive situation earlier and I chose not to remain in another. This essentially means that I will not be bothered about what turns my divorce case takes anymore. I also do not care if my ex gets out a decree against me. I do not need an idiotic judge telling me whether I am sane or not or even whether I am a good or bad person.

My life has been restructured since and I have decided to go back to school to upgrade my skills which I will require to survive in the corporate world. So as of today I will be starting school from next month and working at the same time to build my life- this time completely on my terms. I am also taking a holiday next week to remove every remnant of stress, tension, depression, pain and frustration from my system. I need a fresh start and a clean slate. This break will provide me exactly that.

So I start at the beginning after advice from my subconscious conveyed strangely and ironically through my ex!

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11 comments on “Start at the Beginning

  1. alaskagoldilocks says:

    I also recently divorced my husband, while he didn’t lay a hand on me, he cheated more than once. I was perplexed when so many people told me, including our therapist, said that they were amazed I had the courage to walk away. I find it disheartening that apparantly so many people will stay. All anyone be certain of is this is the life you have right now and you don’t know if you will get another- why would you want to stay with someone that is abusive in one form or another? We are examples that women, afraid to leave, need to see. Keep it going girl.

    • I am so glad you had the courage to walk away, I wish I had the same earlier, it would have saved me a lot of heart ache. Most women choose to stay in abusive and toxic relationships because of how these relationships are built. The abuser starts by removing every ounce of self esteem and self worth from the abused hence the idea that the abused is nothing without the abuser is planted from the very beginning. This cycle is vicious and never ending spelling doom for many unfortunate women.
      My effort is to show these women that there is life beyond the clutches of the abuser and such a life is thousands times better even if you do not find love or a spouse later. My blog is a testimony of the obstacles that I have overcome and hopefully it would help someone to find the courage to move away from a toxic relationship.
      Thank you for your support, its women like you who inspire and motivate me!

    • lori grinstead-sparrow says:

      I am sitting here trying to be quiet, as not to wake him up, surfing the internet, and came across this blog. By “him”, I think you know what I mean. You say you find it disheartening that “apparently” so many stay. You ask why I would want to stay with someone that is abusive? Im going to try and tell you why Im still in my situation. its because even though on most days I would rather be dead, I don’t really want to die. And if I make the police tell him to leave(my house, in my name), that is exactly what will happen. Not might happen, but WILL happen. Im miserable, my children are miserable. I couldn’t even be there to watch my son make his first touchdown in high school tonight. I am STUCK in my situation. No job, no money. My ENTIRE family has died in the past few years. I have been alienated from the few that are left. From my old friends also. I talk to a few on facebook when I can. My husband is the devil himself. No exaggeration. You say its uncertain whether we will get another life. Well, I am certain. I am certain that THIS life is over for me, I wish I didn’t have children. I have ruined their lives as well. My neighbors have no ideo of the hell that is in the neighborhood. They think he is the nicest, hardest working, best thing that has ever happened to me. They think(because of the things he says), that Im depressed in the bed all of the time, hardly seen outside, and when I am, its quick, head down, no talking or eye contact with anyone, because I know what will happen if I slip up. There is no hope or help for me. My life has been over for 7 years now. So, please, just because your husband cheated on you, don’t compare yourself to me, or even begin to think you know what hell is. I WISH that is all he had done to me. That doesn’t even hurt anymore. On the contrary, Im HAPPY when he does because that means he is away frim the house for awhile and I can breathe easy for a bit. I PRAY that he would fall deeply in love with someone else and leave. I pray every day for that to happen or for him to die. But only the good people in my life die. If there is a god, he forgot about me. But if he did leave, I would feel terrible for the pain that the new one would eventually endure, but Im at the point that if that’s my only way out, so be it. So, this is why I stay. Because I guess the very few good moments my children and I have together, I dream that maybe, just maybe, if he would disappear….we could live normally again, sleep normally again, breathe normally again, and laugh normally again. But if I die, none of these “normals” will be….ever again…………….

      • I am very sorry to hear about your situation and I hope that you can get out of it to experience normal again.

        Well as for me, I do not compare any situation with mine or the vice versa, every situation is different. I wondered as to why women do not leave abusive situations when they can, not when they cannot. The details I have put up on the blog about my situation are very limited. I have only spoken about my husband cheating on me not about how he tried to run me over with his car or that his father tried to rape me or the fact that I routinely got molested in the hands of the male members of his family or that I was almost burnt alive save for my presence of mind to escape and unfortunately the Indian law condones all this. So despite all this I will never say that I understand someone else’s situation only that I have gone through the pain of being betrayed and hence will offer my support and wishes, also help if I can.

        Again I do hope your situation improves and I hope there is a silver lining in every cloud for everyone.

    • lori grinstead-sparrow says:

      My reply was to alaskagoldilocks, but thank you for taking the time to read it and reply. Reading your reply reminds me that some do get out. I feel happiness inside me that you were able to. Maybe one day wont be too late for me. But in the meantime, my childrens childhoods are being ruined because I cant fix this situation, and Im sure they will never forgive me. I feel so selfish. But Im dead either way.

  2. reocochran says:

    I am also proud of you! For leaving an abusive situation and for leaving the court with your future of many happy possibilities! You can work on the education or training and you can find being alone satisfying. A good man may come into your life to be your partner… all will be in the future, taking it one day at a time!

    • Thank you so much for the wonderful encouragement greeting me in the morning! The future holds unlimited possibilities for me and I can feel the value of my freedom every minute while savoring the peace I finally have of being able to overcome the pain, anger and bitterness. The day I am completely healed is not far away. I can almost see it!

  3. I am so glad that you are focussing on YOU. You deserve this new life to be the very best. By improving your education is a fantastic step. I wish you all the best. You will do well. I am sure of it.

    • Thank you for the encouragement, it means a lot to me. It was the hope for a good future that kept me going in the darkest of times. Now finally I will be able to achieve it. The feeling of having unlimited possibilities ahead of you is beyond description!

  4. Michael says:

    I wish tons of luck my friend. I am in support of anything you do to make yourself happy. God bless you.

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