Nigella Choked

Nigella Lawson is one of my favorite chefs especially when it comes to her easy and lazy recipes that allows one to enjoy a sumptuous meal made without much effort. However what made her stand out among all the chefs I admire, is the fact that she managed to have it all- marriage, kids and career. Essentially the whole package.

Hence the latest domestic abuse (or should I say violence) episode left me deeply shocked. It opened my eyes to the fact that women in the West still put up with domestic violence despite living in a society that is far less prejudiced in comparison to the patriarchal entrenched society in the East. More than that, it shocked me into acceptance that domestic violence in its attitude is unbiased. It sees no caste, creed, race, class or ethnicity. It can pervade your home even while you are cocooned in financial bliss with a wide diaspora of fans from across the world.

Having seen the pictures of Nigella being choked, splashed in various forms of media, my heart goes out to her in the most difficult of times. I wonder how she is coping with the attention this incident has drawn from across the world. Being a celebrity might be tough enough, added to that is having to substantiate each decision you take no matter how personal it might be. Hence I personally feel that even though she should take a stand against the violence and abuse meted out to her, the decision to do so should be purely and solely be hers. Nigella, must not at any point of time be pressurized into taking a stand against domestic violence and abuse just because she is a celebrity and has been endowed with the responsibility of having to set an example.

Taking a stand against domestic abuse and violence must be a personal decision and never enforced on another person. Breaking a relationship which holds high value will anyway rack the person with self doubt, hence it is best not to aggravate this further by making the person wonder, ‘what if I had never paid any heed to X, Y, Z’s advice?’. Moreover an independent decision is more likely to sustain in comparison to an enforced one, however right the latter might be. So celebrity or otherwise let the decision remain independent as you provide support and unbiased advice to the victim.

Start at the Beginning

The last couple of weeks have been absolute mayhem, torture and have turned my life topsy-turvy in every manner possible. But as they say that system is born from chaos:

A few nights ago I had a really odd dream. I was living with my ex on good terms with him and also his family. The dream followed all the routines my life did when for the first few days things seemed good. In my dream my ex was preparing for his GMAT and I had the brilliant idea to prepare along with him but was confused as how to go about with the preparation process. So after this (hold your breath) the golden words of advice came from none other than my ex “start at the beginning”.

I had this dream the day my divorce case in the courts went crazy and the Family Court Judge wanted me to go back to my ex despite knowing the abuse and violence I was subjected to. The Indian courts and the society has a very funny way of victimizing the victims and not ostracizing the perpetrators of crimes against women. So basically for the Judge I was an uncultured, uncouth and ill-mannered woman (mind you, not lady) to be asking for a divorce from my husband who provided a roof on my head, clothed me and fed me despite the regular instances of domestic violence. These according to the Judge are obligations from my ex to me and not basic human rights which must be provided to everyone.

I listened to this lecture for 45 minutes seething in anger all the while and finally came to the decision that I will not tolerate this humiliation and nonsense anymore. I walked out of an abusive situation earlier and I chose not to remain in another. This essentially means that I will not be bothered about what turns my divorce case takes anymore. I also do not care if my ex gets out a decree against me. I do not need an idiotic judge telling me whether I am sane or not or even whether I am a good or bad person.

My life has been restructured since and I have decided to go back to school to upgrade my skills which I will require to survive in the corporate world. So as of today I will be starting school from next month and working at the same time to build my life- this time completely on my terms. I am also taking a holiday next week to remove every remnant of stress, tension, depression, pain and frustration from my system. I need a fresh start and a clean slate. This break will provide me exactly that.

So I start at the beginning after advice from my subconscious conveyed strangely and ironically through my ex!

Overcoming Bitterness

The months after separation I was racked with overwhelming bouts of bitterness. Whenever I went out I saw happy couples, I looked out of my window and I saw young mothers around my age playing with their kids while greeting their husbands returning from office. These scenes played out in front of me every day and the bitterness refused to go. This continued till I found an anonymous quote: It is best to leave your ex’s where you found them.

Bitterness is like poison, it spreads through your body, mind and life. Before you know it, you will be a slave to the bitterness, spewing in anger at everything you lost because of your ex rather than working towards achieving what you want. Bitterness feeds on anger which takes over your life making it difficult to let go and start afresh. During the time I was fighting the bitterness that was in me I came across several people who had hung onto theirs for years, one even for 10 years. Astonishment does little justice to describe what I felt because most of them could recall every little detail of the emotional trauma they had experienced even if it had taken place decades ago and every decision they took in their life after that originated from the bitterness that had festered over the years. I hardly need say that their lives were not happy, which made me realize that bitterness begets bitterness and not happiness. Life has an uncanny way of teaching important lessons, grab onto them when you can!

It is important to understand that it is up to us to clear up the bitterness. Your ex will be long gone, least bothered and will be living it up while you wallow in bitterness and make a further mess of your life. Even if you are not ready to forgive you must learn to let go of the bitterness to be able to appreciate what life can offer you. Once you can do this you will see that life is too short to feel angry or bitter. Life offers so much to see and do, even with the dwindled resources post-separation/divorce.

Start by keeping yourself busy even if it means taking time off to volunteer at an animal shelter or homeless people’s shelter. The unconditional love you receive from the homeless animals and the gratitude from people in the homeless shelters will do wonders for your healing process. This positive beginning will help you forgive yourself and get rid of the bitterness.

Try writing out your anger. There is something therapeutic about seeing your emotions in black and white which will help you accept them, let go and move on. Vent on paper or speak to a close confidante. It is important to write/ speak out the bitterness and anger you feel. In time you will find yourself feeling better and less bitter.

It is essential that you cut out the root of bitterness from your life or else your life will be intoxicated with hated and anger. Speak out, accept and let go, that is the only cure.

 

My First Award

The first two awards were given to me by Godess Unleashed and a huge thank you for them. I cannot express how humbled I am to find that someone finds my blog addictive and inspiring.

This blog was started in an effort to reach out to those in pain and let them know that they are not alone in their pain and confusion. I remember the times I was desperately looking for something to help me heal in  my times of pain. So as rules of the awards I will be nominating 5 blogs that have helped me heal immensely and find the strength to help others and also provide 6 six things about me which others do not know, which is tougher than I can proclaim!

Rules (courtesy: Goddess Unleased)

Award Rules:

  1. Thank the person who awarding you and link back to them.
  2. Share 6 things about yourself that we don’t already know about you
  3. Display the award on your blog.
  4. Nominate 5 other bloggers you feel deserve the award

6 things about me:

  1. There was a time I wanted to pursue a career in forensics but given the lackadaisical approach of the Indian judicial system, I decided against it. 
  2. I am a sucker for all crime shows. ‘Criminal Minds’ is a particular favorite because of criminal psychology aspect of it.
  3. I am also a sucker for history and art. A trip to all the UNESCO World Heritage Sites would be a dream come true.
  4. I used to be a sketch artist. Being an animal lover, I simply loved sketching animals.
  5. Wearing makeup is the least of my fortes. But due to the changes appearing on my face with stress and age I am trying it out, but still mess it up 8 out 10 times.
  6. I would love to own a pet shelter, a library and if possible an art museum.

The blogs I am nominating are truly addictive and inspiring in every aspect. The strength and perseverance of these women never cease to amaze me.

Lisa Arends at Lessons from the End of a Marriage is particular favorite of mine. I found her blog just two months into my separation and still reeling from the pain. As I read through her blog I felt the pain she endured of being abandoned by her husband of 16 years by text . Later I lost the link to her blog and Google did nothing to help me. But soon she found her way to mine and since then I have been a regular reader of her blog. As Lisa puts it, she’s ‘lost and found’!

Divorced at 50 is also among the blogs I read early into my separation. This blog is another favorite, even though outside the folds of WordPress. Divorcedat50 helped me deal with not just the pain but also accept it as a part of my life and overcome the bitterness. It has helped in times of frustration and overcome depression.

I found Alone but Strong a few months ago and since then I have been hooked. I cannot help but admire her courage and patience at keeping things cordial with the ex for the sake of the girls.

Surviving Eventually 2012 astonishes me every time with her courage of finding in herself to forgive her husband and work on saving her marriage. I cannot begin to imagine how much courage that takes.

Almost Spring has put every lesson learned from divorce so eloquently that its almost as if she read my mind. The 40 inspirations and 40 quotes are like guiding light in a dark and gloomy night.

 

Help That Heals

I have not been able to post anything in the last few days due to several uncertainties in my divorce proceedings and they are still far from sorted. But the last few days have allowed me to think clearly about the various experiences and situations I have faced since the separation and divorce proceedings started.

I have come into contact with people from different walks of life experiencing the same pain as me, seeking support when they find it and helping others like them. The people I meet during the court hearings have been almost an eye opener to how similar instances of betrayal and the pain can be. But what has stood out in the last few months ever since the ordeal began is the importance of having help that heals.

When I walked out of my marriage many people rushed to comfort me, most of them with genuine concern while others were not so genuine. Since then till now I have been given all sorts of advice- good, bad to insensitive. There were some people who did their best to comfort me but were at a loss of how to do so. This also included my mother who did not know what to say to me for (thankfully) she as a wife had not faced betrayal. With me in that situation, she was dealing with a wife not her daughter. That is when I explicitly asked her and others to just listen to me as I literally spat out my anger, resentment and bitterness. I requested them not to give a single word of advice till I had removed every speck of overpowering anger from me. But there were others who were not so accommodating.

There are some things which one would rather not say to a person facing divorce since it is already an overwhelming time, it is best not to increase this feeling. If you know someone going through a divorce please know what not to say and if you are going through a divorce please tell others of what not to tell you. It is always best not to say anything if you do not know what to say. As Ludwig Wittgenstein said in Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus: “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.”

During the initial days of my separation I contacted a friend and confided my situation requesting the friend not to divulge the information to anyone in our common circle only to be told, ‘you are living in a bubble X, you need to get out of it’. This was just 2 weeks into my separation and I was barely getting out of the emotional shock. I abruptly ended the conversation and though an apology was tendered later it made no difference to the refreshed wounds.

The moment people heard of my predicament advice was free flowing irrespective of whether I wanted to hear it or not. I had a particular acquaintance give me ‘advice’ for over an hour just because the said acquaintance was in the ‘mood’ for doling out advice. Lest to say this person was never married let alone face a spouse betrayal yet was qualified to dole out advice. Again an apology made no difference in the light of the harsh words spoken previously.

I found over the course of time that most people cannot comprehend the pain one goes through due to betrayal and divorce, but this does not stop them from saying things they should not. There was another person who kept saying that I must become self reliant since everything is ephemeral. Sound advice no doubt, but the person in question chose to walk in and out of my life at sweet will. This was at a time when I needed stability in my life having been betrayed by the person I trusted my future with and then being abandoned by ‘friends’, known to my ex, who refused to help me. Over time I completely shut that person out from my life but I still cannot help but cringe at memories of compounded pain during that time.

The basic essence of providing help to a person going through divorce is providing stability and security in the fact that the other things will not change (even if it is for the time being). Never speak of things being ephemeral or about how you might not figure in the person’s life at a later date. If you feel you will not be around for some time to come, make yourself scarce from the very beginning without uttering a word. Please do nothing if you cannot help.

Last but not the least please do not ask a person facing divorce to watch a movie or worse get a spa date. When your life is shattering all around you definitely would not want to get a spa treatment or worse still watch a rom-com. Entertainment at that point of time is not an option when you are dealing with betrayal and planning how to survive with dwindled finances and sometimes kids on your hands. Also please refrain at all times from talking about your plans of the future. I had an acquaintance refuse help in the time of need but speak in length about future plans.

Even though these instances stick out like sore thumbs I have received enormous help from people known to me and complete strangers I met in the courts. The support I received from them has helped me heal and find my peace of mind. It has also helped me realize the importance of such help. So understanding this, please provide help that heals and not wounds, for these wounds are harsher and compound the pain by not just elongating the healing period but also making it excruciatingly painful.

The Hardest Thing To Do

In the months after facing domestic violence, abuse and infidelity the hardest thing to do is love yourself and stop blaming yourself. The months of abuse leave you emotionally dried up and you usually blaming yourself for everything that has or is going wrong.

It is hard not be able to look beyond the failure of your marriage and realize that even if you were given a chance to redo everything the chances are still quite high that the marriage would have failed. I literally tore myself up with the ‘what if’s’ and ‘could have’s’. I relived every incident wondering if I had reacted differently would my marriage have survived. I questioned my thinking, sometimes even second guessing whether my ex was right.

The situation becomes tougher when your spouse starts playing the victim and blames you for everything. I got blamed for every little thing but I did not stop to realize even for once about what he was doing to me, how he was slowly destroying me even when he called me a liar and said that my lying stopped us from coming closer when all the time he was the one dealing in lies. He lied to his company about his marital status by saying that he was single, only engaged, planning to take one of his many girlfriends on a business trip abroad as his fiancee, and all the time he called me a liar.

Once the marriage broke down I was racked with guilt that I did not do enough to make him love me till one day my rationality practically kicked my emotions out of picture bringing me back to my senses. It was then I realized that no matter what I would have done my ex would have never loved me. Love, was an emotion too profound for him to understand.  Neither any of my actions redone a million times could have saved the marriage. That began my healing process. It was not me who was at fault it was solely my ex who was at fault, who not for even once was committed to the marriage in any manner whatsoever.

Accepting that I was right allowed me to bring some amount of peace to my mind, knowing that I gave my best to the marriage and there was nothing more that I could have done. The peace of mind slowly turned into confidence allowing me to confidently take decisions concerning my life for the first time since the separation. There are still times when I tear myself up with the ‘what if’s and could have’s’ but this time it is about asking myself why I did not have the courage to confront the emotional manipulation of my ex and why I did not have the guts to walk out earlier for my own well being. But I know that with time even this will pass and I know that with time again I will gain the confidence to walk away from any situation that is in any way emotionally manipulative.

Facebook Monologue

I joined Facebook (under my real name) way back in 2007 when it first came to India. I remember enjoying interacting on Facebook then even though it did not provide a chat applet. But since then despite a burgeoning friends list I have hardly used it to interact and instead it became a tool for only checking the happenings of other people’s lives and staying quiet. Over the last few days I realized that through this blog I have been welcomed by complete strangers with open arms, interacted with them, poured out my thoughts and feelings, found understanding and the much needed human connection. So right now I am in a good mind to shut my FB account under my real name and open one under WanderLustry Ramblings.

My Beloved Facebook,

Our relationship started like any other relationship, filled with love and hope in our eyes and hearts. You serenaded me into your folds. But I honestly think it was because of your high moral fiber in comparison to Orkut. I was taken- hook, line and sinker. I vowed that you would be special. You would be me my connection with family members and close friends, so that I would not need any excuse to visit you at any time of the day. You amazed me every time with your qualities. I spend hours looking at you, playing the many history and geography quizzes while exchanging cute pokes, hugs and kisses with my loved ones.

Just when everything was going great you brought others knocking  on the doors of our relationship. You called them ‘dear’ friends. Did you not realize that if they were so ‘dear’ to me I would not have ever lost touch with them. Yet you prevailed, teaching me etiquette of social networking on the internet. You told me that even if I was not ‘friends’ with them offline it was courtesy to ‘friend’ them online. So started the third persons walking in and out of our relationship.

My dear beloved, you still did not understand that I pined for the days it was just you and me not everyone dropping into my profile. When I told you, to add to my woes you brought in specialized privacy which I still find hard to understand and despise since it allows people to hide and cheat. So my dear beloved, on this Valentine’s Day while everyone is professing their love to people they hold dear, I am telling you that it is not me, it is you darling who welcomed the troubles I do not want to weather.

Despite my patience and understanding and your supposed warmth I don’t think this will work out. Even though you welcome me every morning with, ‘What’s on your mind X?’, ‘How you doing X?’, you wipe the smile of my face and steal the warmth of my cup of coffee with the next few lines. You tell me they are important. They after all signify the happenings in lives of my ‘friends’. So you hold me to you to let me browse through glossed perfect pictures of my ‘friends’, with their perfect friends, perfect families, in perfect locations, spouting the perfect smiles.

So darling please understand the current situation in my life, which requires that I genuinely connect with people who believe in just stopping by to say ‘hello’ and have a nice conversation. But you never know with the changes you bring in everyday you might just be able to serenade me back into your folds but till then it is a fond goodbye.

Love,

X