I have not been able to post anything in the last few days due to several uncertainties in my divorce proceedings and they are still far from sorted. But the last few days have allowed me to think clearly about the various experiences and situations I have faced since the separation and divorce proceedings started.
I have come into contact with people from different walks of life experiencing the same pain as me, seeking support when they find it and helping others like them. The people I meet during the court hearings have been almost an eye opener to how similar instances of betrayal and the pain can be. But what has stood out in the last few months ever since the ordeal began is the importance of having help that heals.
When I walked out of my marriage many people rushed to comfort me, most of them with genuine concern while others were not so genuine. Since then till now I have been given all sorts of advice- good, bad to insensitive. There were some people who did their best to comfort me but were at a loss of how to do so. This also included my mother who did not know what to say to me for (thankfully) she as a wife had not faced betrayal. With me in that situation, she was dealing with a wife not her daughter. That is when I explicitly asked her and others to just listen to me as I literally spat out my anger, resentment and bitterness. I requested them not to give a single word of advice till I had removed every speck of overpowering anger from me. But there were others who were not so accommodating.
There are some things which one would rather not say to a person facing divorce since it is already an overwhelming time, it is best not to increase this feeling. If you know someone going through a divorce please know what not to say and if you are going through a divorce please tell others of what not to tell you. It is always best not to say anything if you do not know what to say. As Ludwig Wittgenstein said in Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus: “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.”
During the initial days of my separation I contacted a friend and confided my situation requesting the friend not to divulge the information to anyone in our common circle only to be told, ‘you are living in a bubble X, you need to get out of it’. This was just 2 weeks into my separation and I was barely getting out of the emotional shock. I abruptly ended the conversation and though an apology was tendered later it made no difference to the refreshed wounds.
The moment people heard of my predicament advice was free flowing irrespective of whether I wanted to hear it or not. I had a particular acquaintance give me ‘advice’ for over an hour just because the said acquaintance was in the ‘mood’ for doling out advice. Lest to say this person was never married let alone face a spouse betrayal yet was qualified to dole out advice. Again an apology made no difference in the light of the harsh words spoken previously.
I found over the course of time that most people cannot comprehend the pain one goes through due to betrayal and divorce, but this does not stop them from saying things they should not. There was another person who kept saying that I must become self reliant since everything is ephemeral. Sound advice no doubt, but the person in question chose to walk in and out of my life at sweet will. This was at a time when I needed stability in my life having been betrayed by the person I trusted my future with and then being abandoned by ‘friends’, known to my ex, who refused to help me. Over time I completely shut that person out from my life but I still cannot help but cringe at memories of compounded pain during that time.
The basic essence of providing help to a person going through divorce is providing stability and security in the fact that the other things will not change (even if it is for the time being). Never speak of things being ephemeral or about how you might not figure in the person’s life at a later date. If you feel you will not be around for some time to come, make yourself scarce from the very beginning without uttering a word. Please do nothing if you cannot help.
Last but not the least please do not ask a person facing divorce to watch a movie or worse get a spa date. When your life is shattering all around you definitely would not want to get a spa treatment or worse still watch a rom-com. Entertainment at that point of time is not an option when you are dealing with betrayal and planning how to survive with dwindled finances and sometimes kids on your hands. Also please refrain at all times from talking about your plans of the future. I had an acquaintance refuse help in the time of need but speak in length about future plans.
Even though these instances stick out like sore thumbs I have received enormous help from people known to me and complete strangers I met in the courts. The support I received from them has helped me heal and find my peace of mind. It has also helped me realize the importance of such help. So understanding this, please provide help that heals and not wounds, for these wounds are harsher and compound the pain by not just elongating the healing period but also making it excruciatingly painful.