Discoveries Within and Without
If I said that the last five years of my life have been difficult I never realised that the first three months on the job would have been even more difficult. It was one thing battling the fears and demons outside and another thing fighting them within; given that they had been placed and nurtured for so many years. It feels as if I have covered or rather I am covering yet another journey, of self discovery. From having to share my room to trying to develop some emotions again have been nothing less than a Herculean task for me.
I joined the training independent, walled up and fiercely protective of my space. Little did I realise then that the walls I had built up and the limits I had set would slowly be chipped into. A week into the 3 months I could feel the stress releasing and myself more relaxed. The fear with which I looked over my shoulder or being startled at every sound at night, slowly started to ease. Probably the fact that the training facility was located in the middle of nowhere helped. The time away from civilization, noise and crowds gave me ample time to think.
I once said that thoughts are like wild horses, once they start there is no telling where they go. One thought or memory led to another and hours flew by but for the first time I was alone yet at peace. From the train of thoughts emerged a pattern, built and sustained over the last few years. What disturbed me the most that it is this pattern of emotional control and later abuse is considered so normal in Indian society and every time I tried to break this pattern I was castigated. But this time I was determined to break free and thus began the process of letting go of cluttered emotions, bottled up pain and most of all the fear of losing control.
Since then 3 months have gone by in living through experiences I never thought I would have, to overcoming self consciousness and realizing how much more I am capable of accomplishing. Having lived in the shadows of others in the family, self doubt was a constant companion. Not that I am fully confident now but atleast I am half way there.
Through all this also began the process of healing from a marriage gone sour, bitter and anything to that effect. I let emotions flood me sometimes to come to terms with what transpired in those few months and in the process learn to see the warning signs to avoid those situations in the future. While the pain has reduced to a great extent I still do flinch and react to many things and that is something I still need to work on.
Now with just two weeks for the training to finish the changes are very apparent-fiercely independent, protective about my space, not walled up, but more importantly ready to take on life with whatever it has to throw at me.