Nigella Choked

Nigella Lawson is one of my favorite chefs especially when it comes to her easy and lazy recipes that allows one to enjoy a sumptuous meal made without much effort. However what made her stand out among all the chefs I admire, is the fact that she managed to have it all- marriage, kids and career. Essentially the whole package.

Hence the latest domestic abuse (or should I say violence) episode left me deeply shocked. It opened my eyes to the fact that women in the West still put up with domestic violence despite living in a society that is far less prejudiced in comparison to the patriarchal entrenched society in the East. More than that, it shocked me into acceptance that domestic violence in its attitude is unbiased. It sees no caste, creed, race, class or ethnicity. It can pervade your home even while you are cocooned in financial bliss with a wide diaspora of fans from across the world.

Having seen the pictures of Nigella being choked, splashed in various forms of media, my heart goes out to her in the most difficult of times. I wonder how she is coping with the attention this incident has drawn from across the world. Being a celebrity might be tough enough, added to that is having to substantiate each decision you take no matter how personal it might be. Hence I personally feel that even though she should take a stand against the violence and abuse meted out to her, the decision to do so should be purely and solely be hers. Nigella, must not at any point of time be pressurized into taking a stand against domestic violence and abuse just because she is a celebrity and has been endowed with the responsibility of having to set an example.

Taking a stand against domestic abuse and violence must be a personal decision and never enforced on another person. Breaking a relationship which holds high value will anyway rack the person with self doubt, hence it is best not to aggravate this further by making the person wonder, ‘what if I had never paid any heed to X, Y, Z’s advice?’. Moreover an independent decision is more likely to sustain in comparison to an enforced one, however right the latter might be. So celebrity or otherwise let the decision remain independent as you provide support and unbiased advice to the victim.

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The Beauty of Love

My holiday is long over and I am back to face the reality of having to build up my life from scratch while healing from past hurt and pain. This holiday has been much more than I ever intended it to be.

I faced many of my fears including going back to the city in which I lived with my ex and his family. I achieved my goal of letting the city be as it is and not be marred by the negative experiences. I also found it in me to actually look back on the negligible good times that I had in the city during my marriage due to the few lovely people I came into contact, without any regrets, pain or bitterness.

But more than anything else I saw the sheer beauty of love.

Visiting the Taj Mahal was always on my to-do list but never did I expect the experience to be overwhelming in the manner it was. The day I landed in Agra, my dad, who had visited the Taj previously pointed it out on the banks of the River Yamuna as we made our way to the hotel. As I saw the white dome gleaming in the sunlight I was almost instantly moved to tears. Little did I realize that this was the precursor to what was coming the next day.

On my dad’s suggestion we made our way to the Taj Mahal just after sunrise. The gentle cool breeze and the sun trying to peek through the parting clouds of a storm that should have been, proved to be the ideal setting for my first glimpse of one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

The Taj Mahal has one main entrance from the fore complex through which you can see the entire monument. But nothing prepared me for the immense beauty and grace of the Taj as I came face to face with it for the first time.

First Glimpse of the Taj Mahal

The Taj epitomizes a husband’s love for his wife and there I stood a wife betrayed by the man she loved, moved to tears by the sheer pristine beauty of love. I was mesmerized by a man’s labor of love of over 20 years for his wife. The countless photos of the Taj Mahal do absolutely no justice to the immense and almost overwhelming elegance and grace of the monument. The strange quietness and the slow ebbing of the River Yamuna were practically addictive to an extent that I did not want to leave.
Taj Mahal

I could have just sat there for hours simply staring at the Taj without even a hint of regret that I did not experience even a minuscule amount of the love due to a wife. The beauty of the monument simply took over my mind, body and soul. I think for the first time in my life I was in trance like state, completely at peace with my surroundings and without any desires but to stare for hours at the gleaming marble monument of love.

As honeymooners had themselves photographed ensconced in new love, I sat down for the customary photo in front of the Taj Mahal on a bench now popularly known as the ‘Lady Di Bench’. But I sat with my head held high thoroughly enjoying my freedom and solitude. The photo is a testimony of how far I have come in my healing.

This trip has made me appreciate the beauty of love and like the Taj Mahal it is something that I will never forget.

 

 

 

Help That Heals

I have not been able to post anything in the last few days due to several uncertainties in my divorce proceedings and they are still far from sorted. But the last few days have allowed me to think clearly about the various experiences and situations I have faced since the separation and divorce proceedings started.

I have come into contact with people from different walks of life experiencing the same pain as me, seeking support when they find it and helping others like them. The people I meet during the court hearings have been almost an eye opener to how similar instances of betrayal and the pain can be. But what has stood out in the last few months ever since the ordeal began is the importance of having help that heals.

When I walked out of my marriage many people rushed to comfort me, most of them with genuine concern while others were not so genuine. Since then till now I have been given all sorts of advice- good, bad to insensitive. There were some people who did their best to comfort me but were at a loss of how to do so. This also included my mother who did not know what to say to me for (thankfully) she as a wife had not faced betrayal. With me in that situation, she was dealing with a wife not her daughter. That is when I explicitly asked her and others to just listen to me as I literally spat out my anger, resentment and bitterness. I requested them not to give a single word of advice till I had removed every speck of overpowering anger from me. But there were others who were not so accommodating.

There are some things which one would rather not say to a person facing divorce since it is already an overwhelming time, it is best not to increase this feeling. If you know someone going through a divorce please know what not to say and if you are going through a divorce please tell others of what not to tell you. It is always best not to say anything if you do not know what to say. As Ludwig Wittgenstein said in Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus: “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.”

During the initial days of my separation I contacted a friend and confided my situation requesting the friend not to divulge the information to anyone in our common circle only to be told, ‘you are living in a bubble X, you need to get out of it’. This was just 2 weeks into my separation and I was barely getting out of the emotional shock. I abruptly ended the conversation and though an apology was tendered later it made no difference to the refreshed wounds.

The moment people heard of my predicament advice was free flowing irrespective of whether I wanted to hear it or not. I had a particular acquaintance give me ‘advice’ for over an hour just because the said acquaintance was in the ‘mood’ for doling out advice. Lest to say this person was never married let alone face a spouse betrayal yet was qualified to dole out advice. Again an apology made no difference in the light of the harsh words spoken previously.

I found over the course of time that most people cannot comprehend the pain one goes through due to betrayal and divorce, but this does not stop them from saying things they should not. There was another person who kept saying that I must become self reliant since everything is ephemeral. Sound advice no doubt, but the person in question chose to walk in and out of my life at sweet will. This was at a time when I needed stability in my life having been betrayed by the person I trusted my future with and then being abandoned by ‘friends’, known to my ex, who refused to help me. Over time I completely shut that person out from my life but I still cannot help but cringe at memories of compounded pain during that time.

The basic essence of providing help to a person going through divorce is providing stability and security in the fact that the other things will not change (even if it is for the time being). Never speak of things being ephemeral or about how you might not figure in the person’s life at a later date. If you feel you will not be around for some time to come, make yourself scarce from the very beginning without uttering a word. Please do nothing if you cannot help.

Last but not the least please do not ask a person facing divorce to watch a movie or worse get a spa date. When your life is shattering all around you definitely would not want to get a spa treatment or worse still watch a rom-com. Entertainment at that point of time is not an option when you are dealing with betrayal and planning how to survive with dwindled finances and sometimes kids on your hands. Also please refrain at all times from talking about your plans of the future. I had an acquaintance refuse help in the time of need but speak in length about future plans.

Even though these instances stick out like sore thumbs I have received enormous help from people known to me and complete strangers I met in the courts. The support I received from them has helped me heal and find my peace of mind. It has also helped me realize the importance of such help. So understanding this, please provide help that heals and not wounds, for these wounds are harsher and compound the pain by not just elongating the healing period but also making it excruciatingly painful.

The Hardest Thing To Do

In the months after facing domestic violence, abuse and infidelity the hardest thing to do is love yourself and stop blaming yourself. The months of abuse leave you emotionally dried up and you usually blaming yourself for everything that has or is going wrong.

It is hard not be able to look beyond the failure of your marriage and realize that even if you were given a chance to redo everything the chances are still quite high that the marriage would have failed. I literally tore myself up with the ‘what if’s’ and ‘could have’s’. I relived every incident wondering if I had reacted differently would my marriage have survived. I questioned my thinking, sometimes even second guessing whether my ex was right.

The situation becomes tougher when your spouse starts playing the victim and blames you for everything. I got blamed for every little thing but I did not stop to realize even for once about what he was doing to me, how he was slowly destroying me even when he called me a liar and said that my lying stopped us from coming closer when all the time he was the one dealing in lies. He lied to his company about his marital status by saying that he was single, only engaged, planning to take one of his many girlfriends on a business trip abroad as his fiancee, and all the time he called me a liar.

Once the marriage broke down I was racked with guilt that I did not do enough to make him love me till one day my rationality practically kicked my emotions out of picture bringing me back to my senses. It was then I realized that no matter what I would have done my ex would have never loved me. Love, was an emotion too profound for him to understand.  Neither any of my actions redone a million times could have saved the marriage. That began my healing process. It was not me who was at fault it was solely my ex who was at fault, who not for even once was committed to the marriage in any manner whatsoever.

Accepting that I was right allowed me to bring some amount of peace to my mind, knowing that I gave my best to the marriage and there was nothing more that I could have done. The peace of mind slowly turned into confidence allowing me to confidently take decisions concerning my life for the first time since the separation. There are still times when I tear myself up with the ‘what if’s and could have’s’ but this time it is about asking myself why I did not have the courage to confront the emotional manipulation of my ex and why I did not have the guts to walk out earlier for my own well being. But I know that with time even this will pass and I know that with time again I will gain the confidence to walk away from any situation that is in any way emotionally manipulative.

Facebook Monologue

I joined Facebook (under my real name) way back in 2007 when it first came to India. I remember enjoying interacting on Facebook then even though it did not provide a chat applet. But since then despite a burgeoning friends list I have hardly used it to interact and instead it became a tool for only checking the happenings of other people’s lives and staying quiet. Over the last few days I realized that through this blog I have been welcomed by complete strangers with open arms, interacted with them, poured out my thoughts and feelings, found understanding and the much needed human connection. So right now I am in a good mind to shut my FB account under my real name and open one under WanderLustry Ramblings.

My Beloved Facebook,

Our relationship started like any other relationship, filled with love and hope in our eyes and hearts. You serenaded me into your folds. But I honestly think it was because of your high moral fiber in comparison to Orkut. I was taken- hook, line and sinker. I vowed that you would be special. You would be me my connection with family members and close friends, so that I would not need any excuse to visit you at any time of the day. You amazed me every time with your qualities. I spend hours looking at you, playing the many history and geography quizzes while exchanging cute pokes, hugs and kisses with my loved ones.

Just when everything was going great you brought others knocking  on the doors of our relationship. You called them ‘dear’ friends. Did you not realize that if they were so ‘dear’ to me I would not have ever lost touch with them. Yet you prevailed, teaching me etiquette of social networking on the internet. You told me that even if I was not ‘friends’ with them offline it was courtesy to ‘friend’ them online. So started the third persons walking in and out of our relationship.

My dear beloved, you still did not understand that I pined for the days it was just you and me not everyone dropping into my profile. When I told you, to add to my woes you brought in specialized privacy which I still find hard to understand and despise since it allows people to hide and cheat. So my dear beloved, on this Valentine’s Day while everyone is professing their love to people they hold dear, I am telling you that it is not me, it is you darling who welcomed the troubles I do not want to weather.

Despite my patience and understanding and your supposed warmth I don’t think this will work out. Even though you welcome me every morning with, ‘What’s on your mind X?’, ‘How you doing X?’, you wipe the smile of my face and steal the warmth of my cup of coffee with the next few lines. You tell me they are important. They after all signify the happenings in lives of my ‘friends’. So you hold me to you to let me browse through glossed perfect pictures of my ‘friends’, with their perfect friends, perfect families, in perfect locations, spouting the perfect smiles.

So darling please understand the current situation in my life, which requires that I genuinely connect with people who believe in just stopping by to say ‘hello’ and have a nice conversation. But you never know with the changes you bring in everyday you might just be able to serenade me back into your folds but till then it is a fond goodbye.

Love,

X

Accepting the Pain

Pain is bestowed in generous amounts by break-up, separation and divorce. Sometimes the pain is blinding, heart crushing, breath-taking in a twisted way and finally numbing. During the early days of my separation I could not feel anything, not even the remotest hint of pain or tears. I was numb, but as time progressed the pain made its presence felt and I found myself gritting my teeth, gasping for breath, shuffling my feet and simply dragging myself through the day. I tried taking one day at a time and if I could not even do that, I took one hour at a time till I managed to cross the 18 waking hours of my day. This I think is what they call the pain of a broken heart.

Despite what you might call it, the pain is overwhelming and hence the importance of accepting the pain, working through it. Working through the pain involves letting go a major part of it. This in no way means that you must forgive if you are not yet ready to do so but that you are allowing yourself to become stronger and heal. Letting go of the pain also does not mean that you must forget the experiences but accept them as a part of your life and remembering the lessons they taught you.

I strongly believe that accepting the pain and working through it also means that not only must you let go of bitterness towards your ex but also let go of resentment towards yourself. There are many of us who have been betrayed by our spouses and we have tortured ourselves into thinking ‘what if’ or admonished ourselves that we did not see the signs of betrayal earlier. Letting go hence must be holistic and accepting that betrayal is not a failure of our perceptions.

For a long time I practically kicked myself that I did not have the courage to confront my ex earlier or walk out earlier as I would have saved myself a lot of pain and trauma. But over time I realized that no matter what I would have done I would ending up getting hurt, my ex is after all a serial cheater. The only difference would have been that the hurt would have been slightly less, the pain would have remained nonetheless. This helped me forgive myself to an extent but forgiveness has never been easy neither will it ever be. It is and will remain an ongoing process.